Watching your child or young person manage their nervous moments can
be challenging for parents, but it comes with the territory. How you react
to an anxiety-inducing moment can influence the way kids approach
uncomfortable situations in the future.

Sadly, avoidance is a well-entrenched pattern of behaviour that holds
many kids back from experiencing life as they would like. The comfort
zone that many crave to stay in can be like maximum security prison
where there’s no escape. It’s incumbent upon parents to make sure
participation rather than avoidance becomes the most likely response
even when kids feel nervous and tense.

Holding firm in the face of resistance

Recently, Melanie, a mother of four, told me how she approached her
teenage daughter’s nervousness about taking a part-time job. Fifteen-
year-old Chloe, a quiet, thoughtful, studious girl wanted a job but was too
nervous to go for an interview. Melanie took a firm stance with her
daughter and insisted that she go for the job interview, despite some
incredibly strong resistance.

Melanie said, “I drove Chloe to the interview. She was so nervous that
she was shaking. As we got closer Chloe begged me not to make her do
it. I felt so sorry for her, but I wouldn’t let her off the hook. I knew that if
she wouldn’t do this then she’d always avoid the things that make her
nervous. I told her that there was no option. This is something she had to
do.”

Chloe was successful with the job interview. The first thing she did when
she got home was to thank Melanie for holding her ground and insisting
that she go for the interview.

Making decisions in a child’s best interests

There’s a natural tendency for kids to avoid doing activities where they
may fail, struggle or even risk being laughed at. At such times, parents
who can see the bigger picture need to make decisions for their child to
prevent the development of negative patterns of behaviour that are so
difficult to break. It takes significant parental sensitivity and courage to
avoid taking anxiety-inducing activities temporarily away from a child or
teenager. But it’s the right thing to do if developing a child’s confidence,
rather than their feelings of helplessness is your goal.

Melanie’s daughter still feels nervous before she goes to work, but the
nerves are getting less each time. Importantly, her courage account is
being filled along with her bank account each time she heads off to work.
You should never underestimate value of a little parenting push,
particularly if anxiety tends to be your child’s constant companion.

Michael Grose

Michael Grose, founder of Parenting Ideas, is one of Australia’s leading parenting educators. He’s an award-winning speaker and the author of 12 books for parents including Spoonfed Generation, and the bestselling Why First Borns Rule the World and Last Borns Want to Change It. Michael is a former teacher with 15 years’ experience, and has 30 years’ experience in parenting       education. He also holds a Master of Educational Studies from Monash University specialising in parenting education. https://www.parentingideas.com.au